I was chatting with our mail carrier yesterday (okay, that sounds like a post that should begin around 1950...but our street is like that, everyone knows everyone, including the mail carrier), and she was talking to me about a difficulty she was having with her 5 1/2 year old son. She'd had to discipline him over the phone earlier in the day (her husband had made him call his mom and tell him he'd done something she had *specifically* and *clearly* told him not to do), and was wondering if she should be annoyed with him when she picked him up. Well, not whether she should be annoyed, but whether she should act annoyed.
And I had the strangest sensation. I had the sensation of *just* having learned something that seemed to work very well and having the opportunity to pass it along.
Because I'm sure I would have, several months ago, and perhaps even now, on not-so-good days, held that grudge. I would have remained annoyed. I probably wouldn't have said it was a good idea, and I probably wouldn't have told anyone else to, but I might not have had an answer as to what I would do instead. Since I would have held the grudge.
God's grace and mercy are getting to me, though, since I recently discovered the very useful and effective technique of disciplining without rancor. Thanks to Dr. Ray Guarendi, in the book You're a Better Parent than you Think. It turns out I'm not really, but the way. :)
At any rate, Dr. Ray's point in the section that turned on a light bulb for me was that your child, once he or she is being disciplined, may throw caution and good behavior to the wind in an attempt to get back into control of the situation. Their idea seems to be, "Well, she's mad, and I'm in trouble. But I bet I can make her more mad. I bet I can make her face turn red. I bet I can make her holler. Can I make her holler louder than last time? Let's see."
The light turning on was almost blinding. I needed to stop engaging with the bad behavior, disciplining what came along and going on with life. The theory seemed so simple. It's pretty difficult to do at times, but the theory is itself is very straight forward -- discipline the behavior that comes along, as it comes along.
What do you know, it works! So I told my mail carrier, " When he asks to have the thing you told him he can't have as his discipline, then remind him why. Otherwise, go on with your life."
Later I realized that this is a much more godly way of disciplining than anything I'd tried before. Forgiveness, without strings. Sure, there are consequences, but God doesn't sit up there blasting lightning at us because we annoyed him.
And boy, is that a good thing for me!
